destined

If it’s meant to be, it will happen. If it’s not, it is meant to be accepted.

I don’t know if I’m devastated or what but i know I want to cry. I really want to but I can’t. I’m in the office right now writing this.

Three hours ago I received an email I’ve been waiting for over a month. An email of confirmation from the immigration of Australia. An email granting or refusing my intended holiday in Australia. 

Shock. It was my first reaction when I opened my gmail account. I’ve been checking it ‘constantly’ for over a month. I was used to seeing my gmail with nothing. This afternoon is different. I know it when I opened my account. I know that the sender Correspondence is the email I’ve been waiting for without even opening it.

Shaking. A reaction Im not even aware of until my officemate noticed it. I was and until now I am. I can’t control it. I think it is my body’s reaction to this devastation. You may think that ‘devastation’ is an exage term for my state right now but i feel it’s fitting. 

Suppression. I know I have to. Opening the attachment of that email directed me to that state.  When you are surrounded with people, people who really don’t care and won’t understand, you can’t let your feelings show. You can’t cry. And it’s hard.

March 5, 2016  is the day when I let myself dream of something unknown. April 14, 2016 marks the day when I know that hope sometimes gets me nowhere.

Visit Visa Refusal Notification. I can count the words but I can’t stop myself not to cry. My world collapse. How can I explain it? Denied visa application means that I don’t get to visit Australia, a place that’s on my top bucket list. I don’t get to use my 3-week leave privilege. I don’t get to escape work and my officemates for a little period of time. Those are the words that will surely come out of my mouth when people ask.

The real reason? I missed the chance of being with Anna, in a different country, a different place where it’s just the two of us. I missed the chance of being with her alone. Yes I’m selfish that way. It wound me. She said that coming home is for her family. My time is when I get to Australia. How will that be possible now? It’s my only chance but it vanished in a single email.

Fear. Not being able to be with Anna scares me. Reading the refusal notification frightened me. After this visit of hers, I don’t know when will she be coming home again. When are we gonna be together again? When will I hold her again?

Expectation. It’s hard not to especially if you believed that you gave your all and it’s not my fault that they found me lacking.

Acceptance. This situation demands for it. I was given no choice. Whatever the reasons, whether the result is unfair, really, I can’t do anything about it now. I am aware that the realization hasn’t totally sunk in yet but I will get there.. I will! There’s no other way.

Maybe something better is coming. God has ways we can’t even imagine. There are reasons and I know I will be thankful for this day.

😘


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